of late

I haven't written on this blog in a very long time. But for some reason, as I perused it last week, I felt that I needed to resurrect my habit of writing here. This is what I've decided: writing and journaling is a key component to my life. I need it as an artist, I need it as a woman, and I need it most of all - and most pertinently - as a follower of Christ.

I also realized that I've barely written anything at all since becoming engaged -- how absurd! Part of that is because, quite frankly, being engaged is not exactly like I thought it would be.

Am I disappointed? No, not at all.

I would say enlightened is the better word. I don't know what it is about me that wants to "arrive" somewhere so badly. I just want to "get there" -- heaven knows where "there" is, but oh how I want to be there! There's something in me that doesn't want to ever experience any hardship any more, that doesn't want to experience any foul-ups anymore, that only wants bliss and happiness and - most terrible of all - independence from anyone or anything else.

What an ironic thing to feel when I'm engaged!!

And, in a vastly more important sense, what an ironic thing to feel when I am first and foremost not a fiancee, not a daughter, not an actor, but a follower of Christ.

I read this last night in Hebrews 6:

"We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."

My heart stung a bit as I read it. Why? Because the other night I was lying in bed, upset about details/happiness (yes, I can manage to be upset about happiness)/little arguments and disagreements, and crying my eyes out. And what did the Holy Spirit whisper to me?

That, much more often than I realize, the root issue of anything I'm feeling springs from a need of greater closeness to Him.

Now, I know this is true - but I ignore it so much. Lord, help me. I shirk reading my Bible, I only pray when I'm desperate for something, I don't want to recognize that my most deeply-rooted source of dissatisfaction comes from a distance from Him. I think this is because it's easier to deal with the other stuff. I'm darn good at the whole "woe is me" attitude. I'm darn good at the "look at all I'm sacrificing" facade.

What I'm not so good at is this: "...show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure...imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."

I'm pretty faithless and lazy in my life. Lord, help me. That's not an accurate reflection. When things are good, when things are bad, when things are mediocre, help me get good at that.

In all reality, and I know this from experiencing its lack, that's more important than anything else.