fighting dinosaurs for the survival of humanity!!

Wow. I had an epic dream last night.

Here's what happened: I dreamed that evil, highly-intelligent dinosaurs had come to earth to conquer humanity. Like Jurassic Park, but much, MUCH worse!

I was one of a few who held the secret to their demise, but they had stripped away all of our defenses and were able to find us and objects they needed from us in order to conquer the world. I'm pretty sure these objects had something to do with the Deathly Hallows (thanks Harry Potter), and I'm also pretty sure I was a mermaid at some point. Sweeeet.

So, I was in hiding! But then they captured all of us, and started to try to gather our secrets and take us back to the place where they could kill us and begin their conquering. In the course of this, naturally, we revolted! I'm pretty sure I beat someone up REAL good, and broke his nose (in my dreams I'm always a total badass). But then they captured us again (jerks!), and decided that they were going to torture me and break MY nose in return.

But then, through a course of events that involved us revolting again and humanity (which included Dre) coming to our aid, we beat them! AND I got to retain my normally-shaped nose, though I was a little worse for the wear. Dre came and got me, and I was safe and happy and fulfilled and victorious.

Now, I'm fully aware that I dream like a 13-year-old boy, but I woke up this morning thinking this dream betrayed something deeper than that.

It's as if, in the deepest part of my mind, there's this undercurrent of longing for adventure, battles, daring rescues, epic fights -- epic life, really. I might even call it more than an undercurrent; I might call it an unseen reality. Am I really fighting dinosaurs and embodying the Deathly Hallows and breaking people's noses? Well, no, not in the strictest sense. But -- I'm trying to write about this without being completely cliche -- there is an element of the lives and hearts of humanity, of my life and heart, that is engaged in a conflict. There's something about my world that echoes that eternal, epic struggle of good versus evil...or, if you will, of horrific and brilliant dinosaurs versus badass mermaids who break people's noses. Though this reality is chiefly unseen for me, what I understand from the Word and from the world that I live in is that it is still a reality. And, because of my state in Jesus Christ, my soul has taken a definite stance in that struggle. Further, and also because of my state in Jesus Christ, my soul is always wanting to be a part of that struggle.

There's a desire for bigger life within me. I think it has to do with the reality that I am not fulfilled by the immediate reality of the life of my body on this earth. I think it has to do with the fact that there is another dimension to my existence, and that dimension is engaged in a beautiful, terrible, epic struggle. I think it has to do with the fact that, ultimately, one of the things I desire most in life is to be a badass follower of Jesus Christ. Now I know that's crass, but that's the most confrontational way I can think to express the state of my soul and its ferocity of desire towards the life I've been given.

"Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe; for our God is a consuming fire."

I know there are still things on the earth that can be shaken; but I know I belong to the kingdom that cannot be. I think the "now and not yet" is part of the reason why I have dreams like this, and desires that echo these dreams. At least, the more general desires that these dreams represent -- I don't really have a strong desire to break anyone's nose.

But I do want to be a badass in the kingdom.

bittersweet.

I'm feeling a little sad today.

Life isn't always what you thought it would be, you know? Big events don't take place like you thought, happenings don't happen like you wished, and things just don't always turn out exactly "right". It's tough to walk the line between trusting the Lord to bring these things together in time, and wondering if things are going wrong because of disobedience. Life is just not as simple as I anticipated. Following God isn't as cut-and-dry as I envisioned. Love and happiness are not as purely sweet as I thought, free from any difficulty or bittersweetness. Trust is not as automatic as I wish it was.

That's hard.

I suppose my heart just hurts a little today. It's easy to trust and push forward when things are going well, when the way is clear and when things line up just as they should. But maybe deep trust requires these times of groping in the dark, shuffling forward inch-by-inch and hoping you're ok. I just wish things were clearer, brighter, happier all around. But there's nothing for it but to keep moving forward -- asking for the Lord's help, trusting Him to speak in the here and now, and realizing first-hand how bittersweet life often is.

Lord, help me navigate these waters.

thanks.

Tonight I got to talk to my sister.

Can I over-emphasize how INCREDIBLY thankful I am for her?

That's what I felt tonight as we laughed, prayed, talked, and cried together. I'm so thankful for her. I'm so thankful for a God that makes people like her.

No matter what's going on, she understands me. She loves me. She laughs with me and makes my heart feel at home. I adore her, and always will.

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow."

of late

I haven't written on this blog in a very long time. But for some reason, as I perused it last week, I felt that I needed to resurrect my habit of writing here. This is what I've decided: writing and journaling is a key component to my life. I need it as an artist, I need it as a woman, and I need it most of all - and most pertinently - as a follower of Christ.

I also realized that I've barely written anything at all since becoming engaged -- how absurd! Part of that is because, quite frankly, being engaged is not exactly like I thought it would be.

Am I disappointed? No, not at all.

I would say enlightened is the better word. I don't know what it is about me that wants to "arrive" somewhere so badly. I just want to "get there" -- heaven knows where "there" is, but oh how I want to be there! There's something in me that doesn't want to ever experience any hardship any more, that doesn't want to experience any foul-ups anymore, that only wants bliss and happiness and - most terrible of all - independence from anyone or anything else.

What an ironic thing to feel when I'm engaged!!

And, in a vastly more important sense, what an ironic thing to feel when I am first and foremost not a fiancee, not a daughter, not an actor, but a follower of Christ.

I read this last night in Hebrews 6:

"We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."

My heart stung a bit as I read it. Why? Because the other night I was lying in bed, upset about details/happiness (yes, I can manage to be upset about happiness)/little arguments and disagreements, and crying my eyes out. And what did the Holy Spirit whisper to me?

That, much more often than I realize, the root issue of anything I'm feeling springs from a need of greater closeness to Him.

Now, I know this is true - but I ignore it so much. Lord, help me. I shirk reading my Bible, I only pray when I'm desperate for something, I don't want to recognize that my most deeply-rooted source of dissatisfaction comes from a distance from Him. I think this is because it's easier to deal with the other stuff. I'm darn good at the whole "woe is me" attitude. I'm darn good at the "look at all I'm sacrificing" facade.

What I'm not so good at is this: "...show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure...imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."

I'm pretty faithless and lazy in my life. Lord, help me. That's not an accurate reflection. When things are good, when things are bad, when things are mediocre, help me get good at that.

In all reality, and I know this from experiencing its lack, that's more important than anything else.