getting over it.

Like any typical college student, I spend a good amount of time praying desperately for the Lord's provision. I feel confident that He can provide for me - even when I've got a lot on the horizon (Spain, an apartment, my deposit for APU, EVERYTHING at APU, etc. ...), I know that my issues aren't necessarily big issues for Him. Okay, more like they DEFINITELY aren't big issues for Him.

But I've been noticing something lately. First, I've been noticing that He provides; second, I've been noticing that I don't really like the way He provides. I would be totally fine with the Lord providing through anonymous checks in the mail, or through the opportunity to actually make more money by working...but I've gotta admit, I'm not so good with the Lord providing for me through my family. I waited for two weeks (and a phone call from my mom) before depositing a check from my parents that I really needed. My sister is getting my brakes fixed today, wouldn't tell me how much it's gonna cost, and I feel terrible. Not like "thankful terrible" either -- just terrible, and down on myself because I couldn't pay for it on my own.

Sometimes I can't believe I actually get a little ticked at God for providing for me in a way I don't like -- I mean, seriously, it's pretty outrageous of me. But I think I've nailed what it comes down to. Pride. I hate to even type it, but I can't think of any other reason for it. It's not that I don't want any help from anyone, and it's not that I think my independence is to be valued and sought after above all else. It's just that I can't get out of my head how much the people I love have given to me, and I feel like now it should be time for me to be able to do it for them. But nope...they're still doing it for me. I don't know why I expect one of the biggest, most tangible sources of God's goodness in my life to suddenly shift to somewhere else because I'm over 21. But I do, and then comes the guilt. That's pretty clearly not from the Father, though.

So I guess I better get over it.