Disappointing someone.
Ghastly, isn't it? Okay, let's talk roots - I'm not quite sure why I'm so unfailingly afraid of disappointing someone. I have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, loads of very supportive people in my life; why would I have such a fear of disappointing someone when most of my nearest and dearest have never seriously expressed that sentiment? It's strange - unfounded, even - that I would struggle so much with this fear. And yet I do, in seemingly every area of my life.
Sometimes I struggle to honestly communicate the full, intense actuality of my emotions - because I'm afraid of disappointing those I communicate with.
Sometimes I struggle to dream those "big dreams" that so many around me seem to be dreaming - because I'm afraid of disappointing myself and those who might get "dragged down" by the undertoe of my failure.
Maybe this is overly introspective, but I want to put a face on this fear so that I can get rid of it. Maybe this fear isn't completely unfounded. Perhaps, in actuality, it's based on a fear of disappointing the one I would most dread disappointing - my Father. But I want to be free from this. I had coffee with a friend just the other day, and her word for me was this - assurance. I think what keeps me from living my life in a state of assurance is a tragic underestimation of both God's love and God's power. I fear so much that I will make that fatal choice, stray onto that fatal path, take that fatal misstep. And I end up living as if I'm waiting for an axe to fall. What a tragedy! I know both the love with which God thinks of me and the power with which He acts in my life - why do I stray into such fear? Regardless of the "why", I am more than ready for it to stop. I know that I am not a disappointment to Him - so I must stop behaving as if I was, or as if I am in danger of becoming so.
"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured our within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
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