Today, part II

Now for part two -- which I believe has been significantly (and thankfully) altered by part one.

I was re-filling my coffee before I sat down to write part one, and mulling over the events of last night. I went to church, sat by myself, quietly messed with my phone, flipped through my Bible pretending to read, glanced out of the corner of my eye at my friends beginning to file in, and smiled a hundred tight-lipped smiles as if trying to convince people that I actually am really shy.

FALSE.

I hate sitting by myself, I hate when people let phones distract them from real people, I read my Bible when I'm alone and think reading it in public is often a blatant effort at looking "super spiritual", I love talking to and connecting with people, and I AM NOT SHY!!

Dang, sometimes I can't stand myself. This is what popped in my mind as I relived last night:

"But we are not of those who shrink back to destruction, but of those who have faith to the preserving of the soul." (Hebrews 10:39)

Except...I am sometimes "of those who shrink back". In fact, from my behavior last night, you would think that I LOOOOVE to shrink back. You might think it was my favorite thing in the world! Frick. I hate that.

But what's the solution? Now here' s where part one factors in. My mind before was thinking, "I've got to try to be more unified with those around me, I've got to try to be more of one mind." That's false. Not without nuance -- but false.

What do I need? Do I need to just be more outgoing? Do I need to just be friendlier? Do I need to just be myself? No. Not really.

What do I need? I need to be in the presence of the Father. I need to understand His Kingdom. I need to understand what faith in Him looks like. I need to understand that all encouragement, all perseverance, all hope comes from Him and His Word. There's no "try harder", there's no "be more" whatever -- there is only choose to be with Him in a way that is disciplined and appropriate in light of who He is and what He's done, or choose not to be.

I want to stop shrinking. Not shrinking from being outgoing, or shrinking from not being myself, or shrinking from trying to be "cool" -- I want to stop shrinking from what I know to be the truth of life with Him. And the truth is this: life outside of His presence = death.

It's a pretty simple choice I have to make. Truth, or substitution? Today I'm choosing truth.