some silence required.

"Woe to him who says to a piece of wood, 'Awake!'

To a mute stone, 'Arise!'

And that is your teacher!

Behold, it is overlaid with gold and silver,

And there is no breath at all inside it.

But the Lord is in His holy temple.

Let all the earth be silent before Him."

(Habakkuk 2:19-20)

I just read this tonight.

It's appropriately overwhelming to think of who God is -- both in and of Himself and in reference to humanity. It's so easy for me to read this passage and scoff at the idolatry...wood awakening, ha! Stones arising, ha! But as I read the last two lines of this passage, I feel quite humbled.

There are so many things in my life that have no breath, no life, no knowledge to give, and yet I'm so quick to give those things my attention. Not just to give them attention, but to give them attention over the Lord. So frequently I look to these things to help me, to self-medicate, to cheer and guide, and yet to fail to seek the only true God.

Secondarily, as I picture this one true God sitting in His temple, living, existing eternally and without creation, all-powerful in His rulership of every facet of existence I see and know, I feel ashamed at how lightly I treat Him. Is He a block of wood that I carved, or a stone that I found, that I would say to Him, "God, DO something!! Come on! What is going on right now? Wake up! Arise!"

Yikes. He is not a created being that can help me to exercise my will. He is not a breath-less object that can magically conjure whatever desire pops into my head.

He is the Lord. He sits in His temple -- His ways far above mine, His holiness far beyond what I can grasp, His existence before mine and after mine, His power unimaginable to me -- and I cajole Him? What an erroneous response.

"Let the earth be silent before Him."

That's more like it. Lord, You are holy. You are worthy. In Your grace, please help me understand and know more.

dilemmas!

I feel uneasy this morning.

I'm not sure why -- I just do. I hate feeling this way. In all honesty, I went to bed last night fighting this feeling, and then a couple of things that happened this morning caused it to awaken in full force.

But my question, when I feel this way, is always this -- should I be fighting this feeling, knowing that I do have an unshakeable peace? Or should I be paying attention to this feeling, marking it down as a testament to something that's "off" in my life or circumstances?

Even my reading this morning seems to testify to my dilemma:

"He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered." (Proverbs 28:26)

Is this feeling a part of the foolishness of my own heart, or is it a testament to something in me that is failing to walk wisely?

Can I just be honest and say that, sometimes, I sort of hate this time in my life? I know that sounds like a strong thing to say, but I'm just so tired of all the wrestling, all the fighting, all the back and forth. In my life of late, there is usually at least one time in every week where I contemplate running away, throwing my cell phone out of the window, and totally disappearing off the face of the earth.

I keep thinking back to this one time when I was about eight years old. Some terrible, earth-shattering, completely abominable thing had happened -- by that I mean someone probably read my diary, or spanked me unjustly -- and I had decided to run away. "That'll show them," my little eight-year-old brain thought, "Now they'll know they were wrong, and they'll be sorry." So I furiously grabbed my little Bambi suitcase and began stuffing it full of clothes. Where would I go? In all honesty, I couldn't think past the big hill at the end of our street. But I would get there, and then I would keep going.

Where? No matter! Who would care, anyway? Oh shoot, wait. That was the point. They would care, and they would be sorry. Hmph. That was enough.

But then, slowly, as good ole' Bambi started to get full, my heart started to hurt inside. What if no one did care? What if no one minded that I was gone? What if no one stopped me?! What if no one came after me?! My eight-year-old heart was starting to panic and feel very sad.

And then my Mom came in. "What are you doing?"

Already crying, I answered her, "I was going to run away!" I would guess that at this point I threw myself on top of the Bambi suitcase and started sobbing.

Mom didn't say much. She didn't chide me. She didn't bemoan how she should've treated me more kindly. She just said, "Oh, Em," and took me into her arms, and then I just cried. I was SO glad she had found me before I ran away.

Lord, please find me before I run away this time. That's all I've got today. At least it's honest!

Today, part II

Now for part two -- which I believe has been significantly (and thankfully) altered by part one.

I was re-filling my coffee before I sat down to write part one, and mulling over the events of last night. I went to church, sat by myself, quietly messed with my phone, flipped through my Bible pretending to read, glanced out of the corner of my eye at my friends beginning to file in, and smiled a hundred tight-lipped smiles as if trying to convince people that I actually am really shy.

FALSE.

I hate sitting by myself, I hate when people let phones distract them from real people, I read my Bible when I'm alone and think reading it in public is often a blatant effort at looking "super spiritual", I love talking to and connecting with people, and I AM NOT SHY!!

Dang, sometimes I can't stand myself. This is what popped in my mind as I relived last night:

"But we are not of those who shrink back to destruction, but of those who have faith to the preserving of the soul." (Hebrews 10:39)

Except...I am sometimes "of those who shrink back". In fact, from my behavior last night, you would think that I LOOOOVE to shrink back. You might think it was my favorite thing in the world! Frick. I hate that.

But what's the solution? Now here' s where part one factors in. My mind before was thinking, "I've got to try to be more unified with those around me, I've got to try to be more of one mind." That's false. Not without nuance -- but false.

What do I need? Do I need to just be more outgoing? Do I need to just be friendlier? Do I need to just be myself? No. Not really.

What do I need? I need to be in the presence of the Father. I need to understand His Kingdom. I need to understand what faith in Him looks like. I need to understand that all encouragement, all perseverance, all hope comes from Him and His Word. There's no "try harder", there's no "be more" whatever -- there is only choose to be with Him in a way that is disciplined and appropriate in light of who He is and what He's done, or choose not to be.

I want to stop shrinking. Not shrinking from being outgoing, or shrinking from not being myself, or shrinking from trying to be "cool" -- I want to stop shrinking from what I know to be the truth of life with Him. And the truth is this: life outside of His presence = death.

It's a pretty simple choice I have to make. Truth, or substitution? Today I'm choosing truth.

Today, part I

I don't know which thing I should write about first today -- I suppose I'll start with the freshest. Here's what stuck out to me this morning as I read:

"Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves. Each of us is to please his neighbor for his good, to his edification. For even Christ did not please Himself; but as it is written, 'The reproaches of those who reproached You fell on Me.' For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction, so that through perseverance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus, so that with one accord you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ." (Romans 15:1-6)

Edification, instruction, perseverance, encouragement, hope, unity. Those are the kind of key words in this passage. Paul's instruction is to treat neighbors in a way that edifies them and brings about their greatest good. The greatest example of this is Christ, who -- even as the Son of God -- bore humanity's reproach for its edification, though humanity was far from "neighborly" at the time. We see this through the testimony of the Word, which testified of this before the act had even been done -- for the purpose of our instruction, which leads to our perseverance and encouragement through our understand of these Scriptures, which brings us to the ultimate purpose: that "we might have hope". And even beyond this individual level of relation to the Scripture and the greatness of Christ's work, there is more; the God who gives that encouragement and perseverance continues, in His grace, to grant us unity with one another. And the ultimate point? His glorification in all of these wonderful things.

When I was reading, the first thing that really stuck out to me was the last portion of this text. I suppose I just don't feel very unified right now -- I often don't feel "at home" in the community I'm a part of, and I feel distanced from my tightest community (my family) in a way that I've never experienced before. I want to be "of the same mind" in some sphere, with some group of my community. But the real truth is that, at the moment, I feel a bit alone. And that scares me -- first because I don't want to be alone at all, and second because I don't want being alone to mean I'm in the wrong.

So there are my fears, projected on the text. But thank goodness for observation before application (kudos, LPC), because there are some things I didn't consider. First, that perseverance, encouragement, and hope don't have their roots in my community with other people. Is that a sphere in which those things find communal fulfillment? Absolutely! But their roots are firmly planted in the Word, and in Christ's fulfillment of the Word. And the Word, all it contains, all it purposes, all it actively does in the world and in my heart -- all that is rooted in the person of God. So this Scripture begs the question:

How can I expect to have the one (the "same-mindedness" of community that I so long for) without first being aligned with the other (the person of God, from whom all these things spring)?

Oh Lord, help me. I jump right to the end -- I want clean, pretty, easy life in a community where I am loved and where I belong without question. I don't always want to take the necessary steps to commune with the Source of all these things. I'd just rather skip to the end, ok God? I don't really feel like taking the necessary steps to read Your Word, to understand the Scriptures, to learn about the source of all my perseverance, encouragement, and hope. I'd rather just have it automatically and skip the work.

Great -- moving on!

Yikes. Lord, help me. I've got to know You before any of the things I so blithely desire can even be possible, true, or valuable. I've got to discipline myself to read and understand Your Word. I want to discipline myself to read and understand Your Word, and to understand You as the source of anything good in my life. Community, family, unity, hope -- everything springs from You. So it's not really those things I want -- though I'm rarely wise enough to understand this -- it's You. I want You. I need You. Help me, Father. Help me remember that this is the truth, even when I'm too short-sighted to see it.

fighting dinosaurs for the survival of humanity!!

Wow. I had an epic dream last night.

Here's what happened: I dreamed that evil, highly-intelligent dinosaurs had come to earth to conquer humanity. Like Jurassic Park, but much, MUCH worse!

I was one of a few who held the secret to their demise, but they had stripped away all of our defenses and were able to find us and objects they needed from us in order to conquer the world. I'm pretty sure these objects had something to do with the Deathly Hallows (thanks Harry Potter), and I'm also pretty sure I was a mermaid at some point. Sweeeet.

So, I was in hiding! But then they captured all of us, and started to try to gather our secrets and take us back to the place where they could kill us and begin their conquering. In the course of this, naturally, we revolted! I'm pretty sure I beat someone up REAL good, and broke his nose (in my dreams I'm always a total badass). But then they captured us again (jerks!), and decided that they were going to torture me and break MY nose in return.

But then, through a course of events that involved us revolting again and humanity (which included Dre) coming to our aid, we beat them! AND I got to retain my normally-shaped nose, though I was a little worse for the wear. Dre came and got me, and I was safe and happy and fulfilled and victorious.

Now, I'm fully aware that I dream like a 13-year-old boy, but I woke up this morning thinking this dream betrayed something deeper than that.

It's as if, in the deepest part of my mind, there's this undercurrent of longing for adventure, battles, daring rescues, epic fights -- epic life, really. I might even call it more than an undercurrent; I might call it an unseen reality. Am I really fighting dinosaurs and embodying the Deathly Hallows and breaking people's noses? Well, no, not in the strictest sense. But -- I'm trying to write about this without being completely cliche -- there is an element of the lives and hearts of humanity, of my life and heart, that is engaged in a conflict. There's something about my world that echoes that eternal, epic struggle of good versus evil...or, if you will, of horrific and brilliant dinosaurs versus badass mermaids who break people's noses. Though this reality is chiefly unseen for me, what I understand from the Word and from the world that I live in is that it is still a reality. And, because of my state in Jesus Christ, my soul has taken a definite stance in that struggle. Further, and also because of my state in Jesus Christ, my soul is always wanting to be a part of that struggle.

There's a desire for bigger life within me. I think it has to do with the reality that I am not fulfilled by the immediate reality of the life of my body on this earth. I think it has to do with the fact that there is another dimension to my existence, and that dimension is engaged in a beautiful, terrible, epic struggle. I think it has to do with the fact that, ultimately, one of the things I desire most in life is to be a badass follower of Jesus Christ. Now I know that's crass, but that's the most confrontational way I can think to express the state of my soul and its ferocity of desire towards the life I've been given.

"Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe; for our God is a consuming fire."

I know there are still things on the earth that can be shaken; but I know I belong to the kingdom that cannot be. I think the "now and not yet" is part of the reason why I have dreams like this, and desires that echo these dreams. At least, the more general desires that these dreams represent -- I don't really have a strong desire to break anyone's nose.

But I do want to be a badass in the kingdom.

bittersweet.

I'm feeling a little sad today.

Life isn't always what you thought it would be, you know? Big events don't take place like you thought, happenings don't happen like you wished, and things just don't always turn out exactly "right". It's tough to walk the line between trusting the Lord to bring these things together in time, and wondering if things are going wrong because of disobedience. Life is just not as simple as I anticipated. Following God isn't as cut-and-dry as I envisioned. Love and happiness are not as purely sweet as I thought, free from any difficulty or bittersweetness. Trust is not as automatic as I wish it was.

That's hard.

I suppose my heart just hurts a little today. It's easy to trust and push forward when things are going well, when the way is clear and when things line up just as they should. But maybe deep trust requires these times of groping in the dark, shuffling forward inch-by-inch and hoping you're ok. I just wish things were clearer, brighter, happier all around. But there's nothing for it but to keep moving forward -- asking for the Lord's help, trusting Him to speak in the here and now, and realizing first-hand how bittersweet life often is.

Lord, help me navigate these waters.

thanks.

Tonight I got to talk to my sister.

Can I over-emphasize how INCREDIBLY thankful I am for her?

That's what I felt tonight as we laughed, prayed, talked, and cried together. I'm so thankful for her. I'm so thankful for a God that makes people like her.

No matter what's going on, she understands me. She loves me. She laughs with me and makes my heart feel at home. I adore her, and always will.

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow."