Emily Ruth

some silence required.

2011-06-08T23:23:00.002-07:00

"Woe to him who says to a piece of wood, 'Awake!'

To a mute stone, 'Arise!'

And that is your teacher!

Behold, it is overlaid with gold and silver,

And there is no breath at all inside it.

But the Lord is in His holy temple.

Let all the earth be silent before Him."

(Habakkuk 2:19-20)

I just read this tonight.

It's appropriately overwhelming to think of who God is -- both in and of Himself and in reference to humanity. It's so easy for me to read this passage and scoff at the idolatry...wood awakening, ha! Stones arising, ha! But as I read the last two lines of this passage, I feel quite humbled.

There are so many things in my life that have no breath, no life, no knowledge to give, and yet I'm so quick to give those things my attention. Not just to give them attention, but to give them attention over the Lord. So frequently I look to these things to help me, to self-medicate, to cheer and guide, and yet to fail to seek the only true God.

Secondarily, as I picture this one true God sitting in His temple, living, existing eternally and without creation, all-powerful in His rulership of every facet of existence I see and know, I feel ashamed at how lightly I treat Him. Is He a block of wood that I carved, or a stone that I found, that I would say to Him, "God, DO something!! Come on! What is going on right now? Wake up! Arise!"

Yikes. He is not a created being that can help me to exercise my will. He is not a breath-less object that can magically conjure whatever desire pops into my head.

He is the Lord. He sits in His temple -- His ways far above mine, His holiness far beyond what I can grasp, His existence before mine and after mine, His power unimaginable to me -- and I cajole Him? What an erroneous response.

"Let the earth be silent before Him."

That's more like it. Lord, You are holy. You are worthy. In Your grace, please help me understand and know more.

dilemmas!

2011-06-04T11:56:00.000-07:00

I feel uneasy this morning.

I'm not sure why -- I just do. I hate feeling this way. In all honesty, I went to bed last night fighting this feeling, and then a couple of things that happened this morning caused it to awaken in full force.

But my question, when I feel this way, is always this -- should I be fighting this feeling, knowing that I do have an unshakeable peace? Or should I be paying attention to this feeling, marking it down as a testament to something that's "off" in my life or circumstances?

Even my reading this morning seems to testify to my dilemma:

"He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered." (Proverbs 28:26)

Is this feeling a part of the foolishness of my own heart, or is it a testament to something in me that is failing to walk wisely?

Can I just be honest and say that, sometimes, I sort of hate this time in my life? I know that sounds like a strong thing to say, but I'm just so tired of all the wrestling, all the fighting, all the back and forth. In my life of late, there is usually at least one time in every week where I contemplate running away, throwing my cell phone out of the window, and totally disappearing off the face of the earth.

I keep thinking back to this one time when I was about eight years old. Some terrible, earth-shattering, completely abominable thing had happened -- by that I mean someone probably read my diary, or spanked me unjustly -- and I had decided to run away. "That'll show them," my little eight-year-old brain thought, "Now they'll know they were wrong, and they'll be sorry." So I furiously grabbed my little Bambi suitcase and began stuffing it full of clothes. Where would I go? In all honesty, I couldn't think past the big hill at the end of our street. But I would get there, and then I would keep going.

Where? No matter! Who would care, anyway? Oh shoot, wait. That was the point. They would care, and they would be sorry. Hmph. That was enough.

But then, slowly, as good ole' Bambi started to get full, my heart started to hurt inside. What if no one did care? What if no one minded that I was gone? What if no one stopped me?! What if no one came after me?! My eight-year-old heart was starting to panic and feel very sad.

And then my Mom came in. "What are you doing?"

Already crying, I answered her, "I was going to run away!" I would guess that at this point I threw myself on top of the Bambi suitcase and started sobbing.

Mom didn't say much. She didn't chide me. She didn't bemoan how she should've treated me more kindly. She just said, "Oh, Em," and took me into her arms, and then I just cried. I was SO glad she had found me before I ran away.

Lord, please find me before I run away this time. That's all I've got today. At least it's honest!

Today, part II

2011-06-03T11:30:00.001-07:00

Now for part two -- which I believe has been significantly (and thankfully) altered by part one.

I was re-filling my coffee before I sat down to write part one, and mulling over the events of last night. I went to church, sat by myself, quietly messed with my phone, flipped through my Bible pretending to read, glanced out of the corner of my eye at my friends beginning to file in, and smiled a hundred tight-lipped smiles as if trying to convince people that I actually am really shy.

FALSE.

I hate sitting by myself, I hate when people let phones distract them from real people, I read my Bible when I'm alone and think reading it in public is often a blatant effort at looking "super spiritual", I love talking to and connecting with people, and I AM NOT SHY!!

Dang, sometimes I can't stand myself. This is what popped in my mind as I relived last night:

"But we are not of those who shrink back to destruction, but of those who have faith to the preserving of the soul." (Hebrews 10:39)

Except...I am sometimes "of those who shrink back". In fact, from my behavior last night, you would think that I LOOOOVE to shrink back. You might think it was my favorite thing in the world! Frick. I hate that.

But what's the solution? Now here' s where part one factors in. My mind before was thinking, "I've got to try to be more unified with those around me, I've got to try to be more of one mind." That's false. Not without nuance -- but false.

What do I need? Do I need to just be more outgoing? Do I need to just be friendlier? Do I need to just be myself? No. Not really.

What do I need? I need to be in the presence of the Father. I need to understand His Kingdom. I need to understand what faith in Him looks like. I need to understand that all encouragement, all perseverance, all hope comes from Him and His Word. There's no "try harder", there's no "be more" whatever -- there is only choose to be with Him in a way that is disciplined and appropriate in light of who He is and what He's done, or choose not to be.

I want to stop shrinking. Not shrinking from being outgoing, or shrinking from not being myself, or shrinking from trying to be "cool" -- I want to stop shrinking from what I know to be the truth of life with Him. And the truth is this: life outside of His presence = death.

It's a pretty simple choice I have to make. Truth, or substitution? Today I'm choosing truth.

Today, part I

2011-06-03T10:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know which thing I should write about first today -- I suppose I'll start with the freshest. Here's what stuck out to me this morning as I read:

"Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves. Each of us is to please his neighbor for his good, to his edification. For even Christ did not please Himself; but as it is written, 'The reproaches of those who reproached You fell on Me.' For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction, so that through perseverance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus, so that with one accord you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ." (Romans 15:1-6)

Edification, instruction, perseverance, encouragement, hope, unity. Those are the kind of key words in this passage. Paul's instruction is to treat neighbors in a way that edifies them and brings about their greatest good. The greatest example of this is Christ, who -- even as the Son of God -- bore humanity's reproach for its edification, though humanity was far from "neighborly" at the time. We see this through the testimony of the Word, which testified of this before the act had even been done -- for the purpose of our instruction, which leads to our perseverance and encouragement through our understand of these Scriptures, which brings us to the ultimate purpose: that "we might have hope". And even beyond this individual level of relation to the Scripture and the greatness of Christ's work, there is more; the God who gives that encouragement and perseverance continues, in His grace, to grant us unity with one another. And the ultimate point? His glorification in all of these wonderful things.

When I was reading, the first thing that really stuck out to me was the last portion of this text. I suppose I just don't feel very unified right now -- I often don't feel "at home" in the community I'm a part of, and I feel distanced from my tightest community (my family) in a way that I've never experienced before. I want to be "of the same mind" in some sphere, with some group of my community. But the real truth is that, at the moment, I feel a bit alone. And that scares me -- first because I don't want to be alone at all, and second because I don't want being alone to mean I'm in the wrong.

So there are my fears, projected on the text. But thank goodness for observation before application (kudos, LPC), because there are some things I didn't consider. First, that perseverance, encouragement, and hope don't have their roots in my community with other people. Is that a sphere in which those things find communal fulfillment? Absolutely! But their roots are firmly planted in the Word, and in Christ's fulfillment of the Word. And the Word, all it contains, all it purposes, all it actively does in the world and in my heart -- all that is rooted in the person of God. So this Scripture begs the question:

How can I expect to have the one (the "same-mindedness" of community that I so long for) without first being aligned with the other (the person of God, from whom all these things spring)?

Oh Lord, help me. I jump right to the end -- I want clean, pretty, easy life in a community where I am loved and where I belong without question. I don't always want to take the necessary steps to commune with the Source of all these things. I'd just rather skip to the end, ok God? I don't really feel like taking the necessary steps to read Your Word, to understand the Scriptures, to learn about the source of all my perseverance, encouragement, and hope. I'd rather just have it automatically and skip the work.

Great -- moving on!

Yikes. Lord, help me. I've got to know You before any of the things I so blithely desire can even be possible, true, or valuable. I've got to discipline myself to read and understand Your Word. I want to discipline myself to read and understand Your Word, and to understand You as the source of anything good in my life. Community, family, unity, hope -- everything springs from You. So it's not really those things I want -- though I'm rarely wise enough to understand this -- it's You. I want You. I need You. Help me, Father. Help me remember that this is the truth, even when I'm too short-sighted to see it.

fighting dinosaurs for the survival of humanity!!

2011-05-31T11:11:00.001-07:00

Wow. I had an epic dream last night.

Here's what happened: I dreamed that evil, highly-intelligent dinosaurs had come to earth to conquer humanity. Like Jurassic Park, but much, MUCH worse!

I was one of a few who held the secret to their demise, but they had stripped away all of our defenses and were able to find us and objects they needed from us in order to conquer the world. I'm pretty sure these objects had something to do with the Deathly Hallows (thanks Harry Potter), and I'm also pretty sure I was a mermaid at some point. Sweeeet.

So, I was in hiding! But then they captured all of us, and started to try to gather our secrets and take us back to the place where they could kill us and begin their conquering. In the course of this, naturally, we revolted! I'm pretty sure I beat someone up REAL good, and broke his nose (in my dreams I'm always a total badass). But then they captured us again (jerks!), and decided that they were going to torture me and break MY nose in return.

But then, through a course of events that involved us revolting again and humanity (which included Dre) coming to our aid, we beat them! AND I got to retain my normally-shaped nose, though I was a little worse for the wear. Dre came and got me, and I was safe and happy and fulfilled and victorious.

Now, I'm fully aware that I dream like a 13-year-old boy, but I woke up this morning thinking this dream betrayed something deeper than that.

It's as if, in the deepest part of my mind, there's this undercurrent of longing for adventure, battles, daring rescues, epic fights -- epic life, really. I might even call it more than an undercurrent; I might call it an unseen reality. Am I really fighting dinosaurs and embodying the Deathly Hallows and breaking people's noses? Well, no, not in the strictest sense. But -- I'm trying to write about this without being completely cliche -- there is an element of the lives and hearts of humanity, of my life and heart, that is engaged in a conflict. There's something about my world that echoes that eternal, epic struggle of good versus evil...or, if you will, of horrific and brilliant dinosaurs versus badass mermaids who break people's noses. Though this reality is chiefly unseen for me, what I understand from the Word and from the world that I live in is that it is still a reality. And, because of my state in Jesus Christ, my soul has taken a definite stance in that struggle. Further, and also because of my state in Jesus Christ, my soul is always wanting to be a part of that struggle.

There's a desire for bigger life within me. I think it has to do with the reality that I am not fulfilled by the immediate reality of the life of my body on this earth. I think it has to do with the fact that there is another dimension to my existence, and that dimension is engaged in a beautiful, terrible, epic struggle. I think it has to do with the fact that, ultimately, one of the things I desire most in life is to be a badass follower of Jesus Christ. Now I know that's crass, but that's the most confrontational way I can think to express the state of my soul and its ferocity of desire towards the life I've been given.

"Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe; for our God is a consuming fire."

I know there are still things on the earth that can be shaken; but I know I belong to the kingdom that cannot be. I think the "now and not yet" is part of the reason why I have dreams like this, and desires that echo these dreams. At least, the more general desires that these dreams represent -- I don't really have a strong desire to break anyone's nose.

But I do want to be a badass in the kingdom.

bittersweet.

2011-05-28T14:41:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little sad today.

Life isn't always what you thought it would be, you know? Big events don't take place like you thought, happenings don't happen like you wished, and things just don't always turn out exactly "right". It's tough to walk the line between trusting the Lord to bring these things together in time, and wondering if things are going wrong because of disobedience. Life is just not as simple as I anticipated. Following God isn't as cut-and-dry as I envisioned. Love and happiness are not as purely sweet as I thought, free from any difficulty or bittersweetness. Trust is not as automatic as I wish it was.

That's hard.

I suppose my heart just hurts a little today. It's easy to trust and push forward when things are going well, when the way is clear and when things line up just as they should. But maybe deep trust requires these times of groping in the dark, shuffling forward inch-by-inch and hoping you're ok. I just wish things were clearer, brighter, happier all around. But there's nothing for it but to keep moving forward -- asking for the Lord's help, trusting Him to speak in the here and now, and realizing first-hand how bittersweet life often is.

Lord, help me navigate these waters.

thanks.

2011-05-25T01:36:00.000-07:00

Tonight I got to talk to my sister.

Can I over-emphasize how INCREDIBLY thankful I am for her?

That's what I felt tonight as we laughed, prayed, talked, and cried together. I'm so thankful for her. I'm so thankful for a God that makes people like her.

No matter what's going on, she understands me. She loves me. She laughs with me and makes my heart feel at home. I adore her, and always will.

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow."

of late

2011-05-20T10:44:00.000-07:00

I haven't written on this blog in a very long time. But for some reason, as I perused it last week, I felt that I needed to resurrect my habit of writing here. This is what I've decided: writing and journaling is a key component to my life. I need it as an artist, I need it as a woman, and I need it most of all - and most pertinently - as a follower of Christ.

I also realized that I've barely written anything at all since becoming engaged -- how absurd! Part of that is because, quite frankly, being engaged is not exactly like I thought it would be.

Am I disappointed? No, not at all.

I would say enlightened is the better word. I don't know what it is about me that wants to "arrive" somewhere so badly. I just want to "get there" -- heaven knows where "there" is, but oh how I want to be there! There's something in me that doesn't want to ever experience any hardship any more, that doesn't want to experience any foul-ups anymore, that only wants bliss and happiness and - most terrible of all - independence from anyone or anything else.

What an ironic thing to feel when I'm engaged!!

And, in a vastly more important sense, what an ironic thing to feel when I am first and foremost not a fiancee, not a daughter, not an actor, but a follower of Christ.

I read this last night in Hebrews 6:

"We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."

My heart stung a bit as I read it. Why? Because the other night I was lying in bed, upset about details/happiness (yes, I can manage to be upset about happiness)/little arguments and disagreements, and crying my eyes out. And what did the Holy Spirit whisper to me?

That, much more often than I realize, the root issue of anything I'm feeling springs from a need of greater closeness to Him.

Now, I know this is true - but I ignore it so much. Lord, help me. I shirk reading my Bible, I only pray when I'm desperate for something, I don't want to recognize that my most deeply-rooted source of dissatisfaction comes from a distance from Him. I think this is because it's easier to deal with the other stuff. I'm darn good at the whole "woe is me" attitude. I'm darn good at the "look at all I'm sacrificing" facade.

What I'm not so good at is this: "...show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure...imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."

I'm pretty faithless and lazy in my life. Lord, help me. That's not an accurate reflection. When things are good, when things are bad, when things are mediocre, help me get good at that.

In all reality, and I know this from experiencing its lack, that's more important than anything else.

...

2010-04-11T18:30:00.000-07:00

I hate sickness.

I really, really despise it. I am not very familiar with sickness or with death. But a recent onslaught of these things in the people around me, people that I love and care about, has caused something to consistently ebb in my heart over the last few days. These things -- sickness, death -- they're just so wrong. There's something in me that is so profoundly disturbed when I witness the aftermath left by death, when I see faithful friends struggle and pass away, when I watch an old man struggle to walk across the lobby of a hotel.

That was today -- the old man walking across the lobby of the hotel where I work. Yesterday I heard the front doors swoosh open and looked up to see a painfully thin man standing in the middle of the lobby, leaning against a walker. I asked him if I could help him, he repeated back something I couldn't understand. Today, again, I heard the front doors swish open, and there he was -- standing in the same spot and breathing hard as he rested on his walker. "How are you today?" I asked. "Trying," he said breathlessly as he continued to amble across the lobby toward his room.

There's something so profoundly wrong with the process that leads human beings into death. It's so unjust, so wrong, so unfair, so incomprehensible to me.

I guess it's right to feel that way. Me and Dre were listening to a podcast this week that talked about how sickness and death were never meant to be part of the plan. These things were never God's intention for us. And yes, we have been freed because of the work of Christ -- but we still live and struggle in the time "in between" when His domain over death has not yet reached its full fulfillment.

Right now, I reeeally don't feel great or happy or satisfied with this "in between". Right now, all I can muster up is a terrible feeling of helplessness in my knowledge that sickness and death are some of the starkest realities of our lives. I know that God heals -- but I don't know when, how, why, or why not. I don't know how people can pray so hard, serve so faithfully, believe so fervently -- and it doesn't really seem to make a difference. I do know, though, that ultimately I will choose to love and serve God. But still, to be honest...dang. It just sucks.

joy joy joy

2009-12-14T16:12:00.001-08:00

Today, I'm thinking about joy.

Well, okay, I haven't thought much about it yet, but I'm going to start thinking about it. This is what I've got so far - up to this point in my life, I don't think it's ever been really difficult to sustain joy and happiness in my life. Not that life has always been easy, but I'd be lying if I said that life hasn't always been good. Even in the difficult times, there have always been relationships, people, things, ideas, and purposes to make it relatively impossible for me to lose joy and happiness.

But I find myself struggling with these things quite a bit these last few days. It definitely doesn't mean an absence of those aforementioned things - there are still relationships, people, things, ideas, and purposes that are very dear (and very exciting) to me. But I just feel...deflated, I suppose. Not necessarily defeated, just a little deflated. It's felt tougher in this last season of my life to feel happy, purposeful, and steady. I've spent countless minutes, hours, even days trying to put my finger on why I feel this way. That, I've almost decided, is something of a waste.

Today, I remember what my Dad always says:

"Don't let anything steal your joy."

This is tough to remember. But I want that to be true of me. I want it to be true regardless of any person, any circumstance, any sadness of heart. I think that's a tall order, but it's one that I want to contemplate. Beyond happiness, beyond bliss, beyond circumstantial satisfaction --

joy.

Back to School...

2009-09-10T18:08:00.000-07:00

Freshman orientation.
It's just one of those unescapable and unfortunate realities, made that much worse by not actually being a freshman. I don't remember exactly embracing the whole process as a true college freshman...much less as a college student five years down the road from that point. It's obviously unnecessary to say that I felt old, but I also encountered a reality that I didn't expect:
I felt out of place.

"Noooo!"
I thought.

But there it was -- reality. No perfect fit, no lightning bolts, no instant connections, no emotional high. Just reality. I found myself in a room filled with starry-eyed, eager, perhaps overly outgoing (we're talking theatre majors here, after all) freshmen. Even as freshman, however, most of them had a better theatrical resume than me -- and besides that, they were theater people, an obvious fit for the program they had chosen. And although the reality was no doubt overplayed by the sensitivities of my own mind, it was still obvious that I'm not exactly that way. Not exactly a fit. Not exactly the natural choice for where I was at.
All these observations and realizations were too much for me...so they were followed closely by a somewhat frustrated prayer.

"God, what am I supposed to be all about? Shouldn't there be something that I'm just a fit for? Something that I'm just naturally supposed to do and do well? What's my thing? What am I supposed to be all about?"

Fortunately, there was a quick answer.
"The only thing you're supposed to be all about is Me."

Oooh. That makes sense. I don't know what the deal is with all these "in between" feelings, all of these musings about where I'm to connect and fit and be, but if the point is for me to learn this better, than ok -- I'm on board. More than that, I'm all about it.

2009-07-13T07:36:00.000-07:00

I just spent a long time reading a friend's musings. Her honesty was striking -- as was the similarity between her struggles and mine. As I read I just cried. So much of what she wrote, what she writes, echoes the thoughts and feelings that are in my heart.

Honesty, honesty.

I long for the honesty that she has. To be able to speak in truth and freedom the things that I usually reserve for my journal -- the things that I fear to allow into the light of day. To express without fear of annoying those dear to me. To express without fear that freedom of expression will equal loss. Just honesty without fear. These thoughts are not confined to a certain area, to a certain place or type of relationship; I want pervasive honesty. I find myself in a vicious cycle at times. I find in myself a deep longing to be loved and cherished for exactly who I am. But even when I have this love, even when I feel it is on the horizon, I dread its loss...and I feel that it surely cannot be, for one reason or another. So I duck and weave around the pillars of truth and honesty, playing hide-and-seek with true love in every place it is found. But in the midst of my game I cease to be truly known as who and what I am -- because, obviously, I am hiding in one way or another. And thus any love I experience seems insecurely founded, and I arrive, again, in fearing love lost. To make it clear, once again, this applies so broadly to my life -- these are not the musings solely of a daughter, of a girlfriend, of a sister, of a friend. They are just musings from me. But the Lord has told me what I am to be. No more mousing around.

Honesty, honesty.

Not because I have unvoiced opinions. Not because I have previously been too insecure to be who I truly am. Not even because I have been dishonest. But because I am who He has made me to be, and there is no need for pretending. There is no need to conform to something else. There is no need for fear, because there is a love that supersedes all fear.

Even now, I'm tempted not to click "publish post" -- what if this is too introspective, too personal to launch out of my journal, too elementary, too emotionally driven? But I will click. After all, this is a conversation I'm having with my Father. And I know at least one other person who is having the same kind of conversations -- she wrote of them as well, and I'm thankful. So...click.

glory & reality

2009-06-29T10:59:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I still can't believe He came.

My time overseas has been marked by a simple but intensely profound revelation -- "in Christ alone". The hymn has been playing over and over again in my mind as I've encountered different people, different nations, and different cultures. And even now, after living the entirety of my life in the reality of the cross, I still can't believe it sometimes -- that Jesus Christ would come to us and make a way to bring us near, embracing the beauty and ugliness that comprises the human existence. It seems unbelievable to me that such an incredible thing has been in the heart of God for all eternity -- to send His Son to die, rise again, and make a way for all people from all places to come to Him. I feel speechless about it, and incredibly blessed to know life under the reality that has been accomplished by Jesus on the cross.

What can I do but determine to make Him known? What other response could I possibly have, than to make known the hope that exists in Him alone? What else could I possibly fight for, other than the freedom that He brings to those who are oppressed by their own sin and the sin of others? There is nothing else worth standing for, nothing else with even a remnant of hope, nothing else with even a dull ring of truth.

In Christ alone.

...

2009-05-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

Tonight is hard.

I miss Dre, I miss my family, I miss L.A., I miss feeling at home.

Facebook and Skype just isn't the same...Spain is sick, but tonight my heart is a little sad. I've been thinking a lot lately about what you have to give up to do what my sister does -- to transport yourself into another culture, to learn another language, to give up both "home" and yourself in a sense. I've felt that pretty strongly in the short time I've been here - I can't think of a more literal concept for the idea of losing your life to save it. To follow the Lord, you give up your ability to communicate (at least for a time, and even in my week and a half it's been rough), a sense of comfort that you took for granted before, and even yourself. Not that you become someone else or are called to misery...but for a time you lose your ability to relate to people on the basis of language - a pretty big deal.

But the difficulty in my heart and mind is also bringing clarity in those places. The Lord is working it for good, I know - it just get a little tough to trust in the in-between time.

getting over it.

2009-04-24T16:18:00.000-07:00

Like any typical college student, I spend a good amount of time praying desperately for the Lord's provision. I feel confident that He can provide for me - even when I've got a lot on the horizon (Spain, an apartment, my deposit for APU, EVERYTHING at APU, etc. ...), I know that my issues aren't necessarily big issues for Him. Okay, more like they DEFINITELY aren't big issues for Him.

But I've been noticing something lately. First, I've been noticing that He provides; second, I've been noticing that I don't really like the way He provides. I would be totally fine with the Lord providing through anonymous checks in the mail, or through the opportunity to actually make more money by working...but I've gotta admit, I'm not so good with the Lord providing for me through my family. I waited for two weeks (and a phone call from my mom) before depositing a check from my parents that I really needed. My sister is getting my brakes fixed today, wouldn't tell me how much it's gonna cost, and I feel terrible. Not like "thankful terrible" either -- just terrible, and down on myself because I couldn't pay for it on my own.

Sometimes I can't believe I actually get a little ticked at God for providing for me in a way I don't like -- I mean, seriously, it's pretty outrageous of me. But I think I've nailed what it comes down to. Pride. I hate to even type it, but I can't think of any other reason for it. It's not that I don't want any help from anyone, and it's not that I think my independence is to be valued and sought after above all else. It's just that I can't get out of my head how much the people I love have given to me, and I feel like now it should be time for me to be able to do it for them. But nope...they're still doing it for me. I don't know why I expect one of the biggest, most tangible sources of God's goodness in my life to suddenly shift to somewhere else because I'm over 21. But I do, and then comes the guilt. That's pretty clearly not from the Father, though.

So I guess I better get over it.

2009-03-27T15:40:00.000-07:00

Bear with me -- this is a new thought.

The greys and blacks of life are something that I am familiar with. In my mind, this seems strange in hindsight. Ever since I was small, I've felt like someone who, to put it poetically, dreams in color. I feel that color, excitement, a starry-eyed approach to life, and imaginaton are my guideposts as a person. But the last little while of my life seems to have been marked by a descent of greyness on my life and dreams. My days stopped holding excitement in favor of bleakness. My dreams not only became grey, but actually ceased to come at all. This greyness was dishearteningly pervasive, and I succombed. I'm not sure whether this succombing was a loss, a failure, or something not meant to be -- but I'm sure it took me. I walked through my days in a greyness that I had not formerly known -- a greyness that I couldn't escape or simply gloss over until my feelings caught up with my state of being. I could say more, but I think the idea is clear.

But, even beginning with last summer, I witnessed the greyness of my skies beginning to clear. Color began to be restored -- in short, thickly satured strokes that surprised my dulled mind with their intensity...in long, wispy strokes that sliced through the grey with sustained effort...in great splotches that almost took my breath away. This color has returned with slow determination, beginning to brightly stain the hesitant grey canvases of my life and dreams. But even in its slow and faithful return, this color has not met a heart and mind without fear. "Why," I worry, "would the color return? Is there deep meaning I am supposed to ascertain?" And further: "Is this some kind of temporary relief -- an invisible ink to trick me into a return to fearless joy?" The great return of color has been met by a concurrent surge of fear.

But last night -- a reprieve.

I've prayed and prayed and prayed (without exaggeration) for the return of colorful skies in the midst of a greyness whose rhyme or reason I could not ascertain. Last night, my half and half heart heard a response. "It's time."

"Really?!" I said.

"It's time to return."

Needless to say, my heart leaped -- color surged -- stars returned to my eyes. I was so excited, in fact, that the above conversation took place approximately ten times. Then, a little bit more came. "Knowing the greys will help you to better know and appreciate the colors."

There's not much else for me to say, other than this: I believe I'm done with greys and blacks. It's time to dream in color again.

Life as a Bird

2009-02-21T12:52:00.000-08:00

As I was beginning to fall asleep last night, in my mind's eye I was seeing birds.

And I began to think about what a "flapper" I am. There are lots of currents in life, lots of things that push me around. That's just life - there will always be emotions, situations, and happenings that gust through my skies and ruffle my feathers. My response to these things is usually to flap wildly, attempting to right my skies by taming the gusts of wind. Needless to say, this attempt is unequivocally unsuccessful. I am never able to control the gusts, never able to appropriately navigate the things that push me around.

So, as I realized how superfluous and utterly unsuccessful my wild flapping is, I began to think about my alternatives. I prayed with someone yesterday about a big gust - a terrible situation in their life that simply won't go away and, quite frankly, cannot be "navigated". All I could think to pray was peace; not as a nice, "cross your fingers" emotion, but as it is with God - strong, active, and able to overcome anything. So last night, as I drifted off to sleep, I began to consider what that means in my own life (novel concept, right? Actually living out myself what I pray for others?). My tendency is to try to navigate the gusts of life on my own, whether by wild flapping or by desperately grasping at a peace that is less than the peace for which I prayed with my friend. But I realize that neither of these things will actually enable me to navigate the gusts in my skies with success. As much as I want to simply glide on these unavoidable gusts, all my best efforts only lead to a wild flapping. The more I think about it, the more I realize with unshakeable certainty that no constancy of affection, no predisposed amount of accolades, no solidity of friendship will ever lead me to a state of mind and heart in which I can successfully glide upon the gusts in my skies.

There is only one peace that can actually do that - and I've got to pursue it. It's taking me a while, but I've got to learn it. I've got to get it right, because I don't want to spend my whole life flapping.

Musings of a Two-Year-Old

2009-02-14T12:25:00.000-08:00

For much of the past week and a half, I've felt very much like a two-year-old. As I pray, as I talk things through, as I ponder, the questions that rise from my mind inevitably begin with, "Why?" For every circumstance, for every perceived difficulty, all I can think to ask is "Why?"

This has caused me to think quite a bit about the difficulties of the past year and a half. As I think about the creeping return of the mindset and state of heart that accompanied those times, I feel a desperation rising in my heart. At that point, the question of "Why?" ceases and is replaced with another insistent, decidedly toddler-like cry: "No, no, no!!" Everything in my heart and mind cries out to protest a return to that painful brokenness and numbness that has, in many ways, marked the last little while of my life. I don't want to go back to times where my friends say, "You're not yourself"; to times where my professors approach me with worry; to times where I simply can't put my finger on the desperate sadness that pervades my heart. I want to continue with what my heart has been fearfully but hopefully stepping towards - restoration.

But as I think with admitted fear about the sadness and brokenness that seems to crouch at the door of my heart, I have begun to realize something very important. In the difficulty of recent times, something has emerged. As I have come to the "other side" of this difficulty, only to fear being grabbed once more by its clutches, something of deep, weighty truth has begun to rise in my heart. When I seek the Lord, even in desperation of not wanting to return to where I have been, a realization rises:

True peace has become deeper and more real. Real rest has become sweeter and easier to come by. Unshakeable assurance has emerged as more than theoretical - it is now real and experienced.

If nothing else, this realization makes the last year and a half of my life "worth it". Even if I return to that place dreaded by the whole of my heart, I'll make it. And it will be redeemed - because it has been already.

Campsites

2009-02-04T22:10:00.001-08:00

I was thinking today about my comfort zone. I wish I could think of another word to use that would make me sound more innovative as a thinker, but alas, I only slept for three hours last night. In light of this, "comfort zone" will have to do.

Today, as I sat at work, I realized that I felt at ease as I reached out to people I didn't know. I even felt a little proud of myself for taking the "befriending" initiative. But then my mind was suddenly arrested - "How easy," I thought, "to reach out in confidence and selflessness when I'm in a comfortable environment." But how difficult for me, and how common of late, to shrink when uncomfortable. I find myself in the throes of incredible self-frustration at this shrinking motion; who ever heard of mere (though perhaps intense) discomfort causing the actual reshaping of a person's personality?! At these times, the way I am perceived is mildly shocking to me; "quiet", "reserved", and "shy" were never (EVER) words used to describe me until more recent months. Trust me, my family would find these descriptions utterly laughable. But what feels like "camping out" in a zone of discomfort has brought about this disappointing reshaping of who I am. I'm not quite sure whether or not this extended stay in my discomfort zone has served as a means for growth; at this point, it is simply not clear to me.

However, I do believe I am beginning to know something else: restoration. I think it's time for a new campsite.

Roar.

2009-02-01T18:04:00.000-08:00

"From the Gadites there came over to David in the stronghold in the wilderness, mighty men of valor, men trained for war, who could handle shield and spear, and whose faces were like the faces of lions..."

I'm really intrigued by this description. I always have been, ever since I first read it in the account of David's "mighty men". I've always thought that's how I wanted to be - someone who approached life (and especially the things of the Lord) with a face like a lion's. I don't exactly know what that entails, but when I think about the face of a lion, I can imagine that these guys were pretty intense. Admittedly, it's hard to put into words exactly what this phrase communicates - perhaps I'm misunderstanding it anyway. But when I think about people approaching life with such ferocity and intensity that they're described as having "faces...like the faces of lions", I find something in me wanting to mirror that.

To the point: the trouble is, I'm pretty sure my face looks more like Hello Kitty than a lion.

Depressing? No doubt.

True? Undeniably so.

This is not to negate kindness - I'm thinking Aslan, here. But I can't deny the embarrassingly strong parallels between a lion/Hello Kitty and who I want to be/who I actually am. I know I am to function in boldness, intensity, and strength regarding the things of my life - because it's to be a Kingdom life. But I also know that I oftentimes function in hesitation, worry, and fear. This is a disservice not only to me (seriously, who really wants to look like Hello Kitty?), but to those around me. Although I don't plan on hunting and eating any of my friends or family, I do know that to choose Hello Kitty over Lion in the realm of relationship is a lackluster choice at best.

I don't want to choose this lackluster in my relationships, in my heart, in my prayers, in my life...I want to have a face like a lion.

Fear 101

2009-01-30T19:32:00.000-08:00

It may be cliche to talk about a "greatest fear". But I think I realized one of mine yesterday. I wish it could be tornadoes, or earthquakes, or Tower of Terror, but all of those things pale in comparison to how utterly frightened I am of...brace yourself for it...

Disappointing someone.

Ghastly, isn't it? Okay, let's talk roots - I'm not quite sure why I'm so unfailingly afraid of disappointing someone. I have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, loads of very supportive people in my life; why would I have such a fear of disappointing someone when most of my nearest and dearest have never seriously expressed that sentiment? It's strange - unfounded, even - that I would struggle so much with this fear. And yet I do, in seemingly every area of my life.

Sometimes I struggle to honestly communicate the full, intense actuality of my emotions - because I'm afraid of disappointing those I communicate with.

Sometimes I struggle to dream those "big dreams" that so many around me seem to be dreaming - because I'm afraid of disappointing myself and those who might get "dragged down" by the undertoe of my failure.

Maybe this is overly introspective, but I want to put a face on this fear so that I can get rid of it. Maybe this fear isn't completely unfounded. Perhaps, in actuality, it's based on a fear of disappointing the one I would most dread disappointing - my Father. But I want to be free from this. I had coffee with a friend just the other day, and her word for me was this - assurance. I think what keeps me from living my life in a state of assurance is a tragic underestimation of both God's love and God's power. I fear so much that I will make that fatal choice, stray onto that fatal path, take that fatal misstep. And I end up living as if I'm waiting for an axe to fall. What a tragedy! I know both the love with which God thinks of me and the power with which He acts in my life - why do I stray into such fear? Regardless of the "why", I am more than ready for it to stop. I know that I am not a disappointment to Him - so I must stop behaving as if I was, or as if I am in danger of becoming so.

"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured our within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."